Rules & Roles

I love my family.

That’s a simple phrase, right? Short, sweet, and direct. “I love my family” … Does this mean that my family is perfect? No. Does this mean that my family experiences nothing but happiness? No. Does this mean that we have lived a family life free of contention, sibling battles, and hard days? Still no. In fact, my family is always changing and there are always new adjustments being made. (For many of you it’s likely the same.) Regardless, there is still love and stability within my family, even if it takes time to achieve. How? Because perhaps the truth is that family stability is rooted in change. Change that can connect. Change that can create growth and goodness.

Every family is different, which is exactly what makes them special. In fact, there can be much to learn when spending time with a family system that is unlike one’s own. Let me share something cool with you. I would likely not taking this class, writing this post, or even attending the university that I am currently at if it weren’t for the opportunity that I had to spend time with a family that was completely different from my own. (Of course, there’s a longer story, but I think this will suffice.) This is not to say that my own family did not influence me, they surely did! What I mean by this is that I became immensely curious about families when I got to spend a significant amount time with one that I wasn’t born into. That curiosity became and interest and that interest is now something that I am passionate about. I love to learn about marriage, families, and society; the ways that they are connected and in what ways they can become better together.

Two topics that we spent time talking about in class this week were that of roles and rules within any type of family unit. Let’s expand a little of these, starting with roles:

Believe it or not, each member of a family plays a certain role, even if they (the roles) are unassigned. For example, in a traditional family, the father plays the role of protecting and providing for the family. The mother plays the role of the nurturer, creating peace in the home. These are commonly given and known roles. However, there are an endless number of roles that can become much more interesting when considering other aspects. For example, who in your family plays the role of the comedian and always makes everyone laugh at dinner? Who plays the role of the scapegoat between siblings? Who’s the tattletale when mom and dad ask who broke the vase in the kitchen? These are just a few quick examples, but did they cause you to think about your own family? Who is the person that is generally responsible for doing one specific thing, even though it might not have ever been stated as their specific role? It is quite interesting to think about, no? (How about you take a quick second to think about what YOUR role is?)

Next, I wanted to mention how interesting rules are within families. Some rules are “written,” they have been stated and are known to all. An example of this could be a set curfew. A specific time has been set to be home, everyone knows when it is, and there are consequences when one does not adhere. However, what is interesting is that there are likely dozens of unspoken rules that exist in your family. As an example, here is one that I noticed in my own home growing up:

If you want to go do something, ask Dad before Mom. (Even if you know that there’s a chance of him saying, “go ask your mother.”)

This was an unspoken rule created by my brother and me. We knew that our chances of being granted permission significantly increased if we asked our father first, just in case. Maybe he would be too busy to consider why he should say no. (Sure, call us mischievous, but while you were reading that did you think of an unspoken rule that you maybe had in your family? Or maybe you laughed because you or realized you could relate to that.)

Rules and roles both hold great significance within a family and the way in which it functions, as they are constantly changing. Although, as I began to mention in the beginning, maybe it’s not about getting back to our exact state of equilibrium within our families, after an argument or some conflict, but rather achieving a new level of stability through reorganization and yes, change. Let’s allow our rules and roles to strengthen our families this week, shall we?

Stay Golden!