On Teaching Sexual Intimacy

I believe that a blog about marriage and families wouldn’t exactly be complete if it didn’t take some time for this topic, even if it at times makes some uncomfortable. It’s time to talk about sexual intimacy. I would like to begin by sharing what it is that I believe, according to the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. The Law of Chastity is a principle that the church teaches to encourage all people to refrain from sexual relations that are outside of the bonds of marriage. It states:

Chastity is sexual purity. Those who are chaste are morally clean in their thoughts, words, and actions. Chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage.

Physical intimacy between husband and wife is beautiful and sacred. It is ordained of God for the creation of children and for the expression of love within marriage.

(To read more about the Law of Chastity, click here)

I love this statement because it speaks to the divinity of intimacy as a part of God’s plan, and it declares what things one should do to remain chaste. (Stay morally clean in thought, word, and action as well as not having sexual relations before marriage.) Believe it or not, striving to do these things actually helps to create a much happier marriage and has been shown to increase sexual satisfaction within that marriage too.

There are many different methods by which sexual purity is taught (to people of all ages, but primarily while one is in their youth) which I would like to address, as well as offer what I believe to be the way in which a true understanding can be taught.

Fear-Based Metaphors:

Teaching through fear-based metaphors does not necessarily mean that the teacher was trying to cause the students to be afraid, but rather that the teaching caused unintended side effect of anxiety and/or fear about sexual intimacy. An example of this is a teacher brining a cupcake to class and asking who in the class would like it. Then, the teacher passes the cupcake around and everyone touches it. After each member of the class had handled the cupcake, the teach then asks, “who would like to eat the cupcake now?” The lesson was tied into sexual involvement before marriage and how the “handled” cupcake was now unclean and undesirable.

Abstinence-Based Metaphors:

These metaphors appear to be more common than those that are fear-based during this day and age. Abstinence-based metaphors convey a worth-waiting-for message to youth and portrays it as a positive aspect of life solely within the context of marriage. An example of this would be the teacher brining a plate load of cookies to class and asking if the students would like one… then proceeding to state that they can’t until the class is completely over. (Making them aware that they are there but forcing them to wait.) Now, yes, the principle of waiting is very important, however these metaphors teach that being chaste is simply a physical and individual matter and that chastity has a finish line at marriage.

Sexual Completeness in Marriage:

This is the position that I believe offers a true understanding. This perspective teaches that one can only be personally pure when they understand the purposes of sexual intimacy within the divine institution of marriage. In other words, chastity (and fidelity) begins in the spirit, not in the body. There is so much more to explain within this perspective of teaching, and if you are interested in learning more, I would recommend the book Sexual Wholeness in Marriage: An LDS Perspective on Integrating Sexuality and Spirituality in our Marriages. (Link to book here)

There is so much importance in making sure that one understands the why behind sexual intimacy, regardless of if the learning comes later in life than usual. My purpose with this post was to hopefully help some of you to know the best way in which you can teach those generations younger than yourself and be a good example. Though teaching about sexual intimacy and being chaste until marriage is important, just as critical is teaching the youth about relationships in general. (What dating should look like and consist of, and how they can protect themselves in the dating process from crossing any of their own or others boundaries.)

Sexual intimacy is a sacred and wonderful thing, so let’s make sure that it is taught in a sacred and wonderful way! Believe it or not, you can play a part in this! Creating healthy and happy families one step at a time, let's do this.

Until next time,

Stay Golden!